A Life Update ft. Fluoxetine and Bad Boyfriends
Helloo Red's Orbers!! *crickets*
I have not posted in quite a long time, but I am back for a little life update following my last sad, sad post to say it gets better!
So for starters, I graduated! And no, I still did not get any good job/internship following that, but I did end up going to grad school, where I am now. I loved what I did in college, but looking back, they were probably the hardest years of my life so far (P.S. I HOPE THAT WAS ROCK BOTTOM BECAUSE HOLY FUCK). To summarize, I had depression, was in a really weird relationship, and had severe burnout. But the depression was probably the root of everything. In the worst of it, I did not eat for days in a row or would just be under the influence of something at all times. I felt suicidal pretty much daily for the first half of 2024. And my support system was, well, essentially nonexistent!! I had a few trusted friends but they were all long-distance so I didn't really feel that fulfilled.
I kind of want to shit on that relationship I was in a little bit. It totally fueled my depression even more. For background, I was in a long-distance relationship with this person for almost four years. The first 2.5 years were good, but once 2024 hit, it all went downhill. I don't really want to explain publicly the tale of the relationship near the end, but just know it was the most confusing part of my life because there was literally no clarity on anything no matter how much I tried to get it.
When I think back on it, I'm like "What the fuck was I DOING!!". Like holy shit, love really is a drug because I was acting like my brain was fried. I actually begged for this man to take me back after we broke up and went no contact for like a month. I must say, he won the IDGAF war...
Around the time that relationship shitstorm was happening, I decided I needed Chemical Help, cause therapy did not really do a lot for me. I got prescribed Zoloft at first, but that destroyed my body for the three days I was on it, so I switched to Prozac. And I can honestly say it changed my life.
The change wasn't easy to pinpoint, but looking back, the difference in how I reacted to things is drastic. I used to have such extreme emotions; one bad thing would send me into a spiral, I cried a whole lot, and I was obsessed with my partner. My motivation to do anything was so low. Now I actually think I know what it means to be normal and functioning. It's sort of hard to put into words. I just used to feel so uninterested in life. Now I look forward to what every new day brings!
I really did not think I would ever really enjoy living. I was so used to every day feeling like a chore, something to get through and over with, and that mindset sets you up for feeling like life itself is pointless which only fuels the depression even more. That loop is so difficult to break. But I think I did it... I am really proud of myself. I seriously thought at multiple points that I wouldn't make it through the year. I obviously still have my flops and low points, but my attitude towards life has totally changed for the better. I really wanted to share this with anyone who might be feeling hopeless in life. I hope my readers will believe me when I say it gets better (again, crickets LOL).
~ Red