FEMBOY: The Assault on my Gender Identity
Foreword
Hello Orbers! (again. I know there are NONE but we like playing pretend here). It has been 1,000,001 years since my last post... Maybe this time I will actually be consistent! I think writing these is genuinely helpful to myself and others. I had received an email in regards to my career failure post, and I am so very glad someone related and felt some kind of solace in reading it. I can only hope the same for this one.
The Reckoning
Late last year, I experienced a sexual assault and it completely altered my perception of myself, and most notably, my gender identity.
Prior to this, I was fairly comfortable identifying as a Woman with a capital 'W'. Sure, I had distinct memories from my childhood of wishing I could play with the 'boy' toys and do the 'boy' activities rather than the far more boring 'girl' ones. Yeah, I used to tell my friends that I wish I were a boy... but these things didn't really matter since I wasn't necessarily bothered by living as a woman in all aspects. I figured these things just meant I was somewhat of a tomboy-a woman with traditionally masculine preferences.
After my assault, I suddenly became very aware of my womanhood and body. I gained a strong discomfort in being a woman and the baggage that comes with it socially. I felt like the only escape from this discomfort was to separate myself from femininity. I quickly made the decision to change my pronouns to be gender neutral and to dress in an androgynous manner. My reasoning for this initially was to indulge in this fantasy that by identifying more as gender-neutral, or nonbinary, I could circumvent the perils of being a woman in this world. Yes, being more masculine would grant me respect, power, credibility. Being more masculine would spare me from being perceived as a fleshlight in a cute skirt and beret. Ambiguity serves nobody in topics of this nature; I wanted to use masculinity to offset the fact that I have a hole and tits.
All the while, I never wanted to be a man. After all, they were the very thing I was running away from. And I didn't want to be Woman because femininity does not even resonate with me most of the time and I can't stand acting in the way women are socialized to act.
Wait... I Like It
My pursual of gender-neutrality was initiated by pain, fear, and anger. But it never felt forced. In fact, it felt quite natural. It made perfect sense to me to no longer regard myself as female, but rather as nothing at all. I had always sort of wanted to be perceived as neither sex, but I had never considered seriously embodying that identity until now. I had never questioned gender quite this much, or at all really. I generally didn't care. But my assault and resulting identity crisis forced me to care. I had to if I ever wanted to be comfortable with myself and my body again.
I wonder daily if my adoption of the nonbinary label is truly who I am or if it's my way of escaping the painful reality of having a woman's body and socialization and attempting to compensate for it. I largely have reverted to a feminine appearance, since it became bearable after aligning myself with gender neutrality by changing my name to Red in my personal life and giving myself they/she pronouns whenever prompted. However, my current identity phase is full of questioning.
Does dressing in such a clearly feminine way as an AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth) person disprove my identity as a nonbinary person? I have the body of a woman, sound like a woman, and dress like a woman, and hang out with mostly women. This is a case of 'If it quacks like a duck...'. But I just don't Feel like a duck. Or uh, a Woman. In allowing myself to explore gender neutrality, I felt a sense of comfort and fulfillment that I didn't feel when fully identifying as a woman. I don't think I can go back.
Although internally I do not feel like a woman, I am well aware that externally I am overwhelmingly feminine. So, I accept being regarded as a 'she'. It doesn't necessarily bother me per se. I just think it's easier for the general public to use the classic 'she' or 'he' pronouns and I hate being a burden to anyone so its Fine, but admittedly not ideal. We all have to compromise though.
So... What Are You???
I think the best way to describe my gender identity at this point is Femboy. No, I'm not even kidding. I love women's fashion. For lack of better words, it's just cuntier. It allows for way more possibilities, more silhouettes, more textures, and more options in general. With fashion being one of my main creative outlets, I can't possibly limit myself to the far more... ahem... boring male fashion. I feel the same way about makeup; it adds so much to a look. My appearance is just so much more boring without it. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate being boring... That's not to say I don't indulge in men's fashion either; I do if it looks good (such as tailor-wear and opium lol). But I do not see fashion as a means of communicating my gender identity at all. I see it for what it really is: an exercise of bodily aesthetics. So to me, dressing as I do indicates nothing about my gender identity. Which is why I feel like a Femboy.
In all aspects besides appearance, I resonate with masculinity far more than femininity. In the way I communicate, in the way I want to be treated, in the way I treat others, in my desires; I see these attitudes reflected in male personalities primarily, and less so in female personalities. Yet, I dress very 'girly' most of the time. But like I said, I don't find it gender affirming in any way; it's just like a costume or a performance. Like... like how a femboy dresses as a woman because they like how it looks, but they aren't transgender. I suppose another example of this is drag queens, which are usually gay men performing as women. Their drag persona doesn't indicate their actual gender identity; it's just a performance and an aesthetic.
TLDR
Non-consensual diddling made me question my already iffy comfort in being a woman. Eventually, I determined I'm a Femboy in a woman's body. Male(?) mind + woman body and usually appearance = Gender Neutral/Nonbinary/Gender-fluid. My name is Red. My pronouns are They/She, with a preference for They/Them. I dislike being treated like a woman. I dislike looking like a man. The Result: constant internal debate on gender. I hope that one day I can find a way to feel satisfied with both my social treatment and body.
The End
What now, what now... I've considered HRT. I've considered legally changing my name. I've considered submerging myself into male spaces. Who knows what I'll actually do. I don't currently hate myself so that's a good sign. Gender gymnastics is something very near to me in this phase of my life, so I imagine I will continue discovering and adapting. I'm not even really sure I have a final form in mind. I guess that's what makes me gender-fluid.
As always, I hope someone somewhere felt some sort of solace in this.
~ Red